You are not broken; your vagina is talking to you


Have you ever been there? In the sack with a person you think you like, in a situation that you think you should be safe, about to engage in what you think you want.

Maybe it’s been a while and you’re telling yourself you just need to get laid, maybe your friends have chided you into taking him home because he is “too hot to pass up”, maybe you are at home with the person you love, not in the mood, but feeling guilty cause you haven’t given to them in a while.

Either way, the scenario is often the same. Despite your best efforts to put your game face on, relax and enjoy the ride you just can’t get there. You are SUPPOSED to be enjoying this. It’s SUPPOSED to be fun, easy, wordless. But your brain won’t shut up, and you can’t really feel their hands on your body, there’s no tingling, no sparks, no energy moving. Maybe it hurts when the penetration starts, maybe your vagina shuts down and creates an impenetrable wall, maybe you can’t really feel anything once you’ve been entered, no matter how much care has been taken. Maybe you O, maybe you don’t.

And then it comes – the frustration, sadness, resentment, and loneliness; the guilt and shame. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. Is my vagina broken? Is my heart too broken? Is there something wrong with my brain? What, what WHAT! Do I need a manual for my own god damned body?

I’ve been there too many times to count. Not listening to the cues my body is giving me, the language she is speaking to tell me that, ACTUALLY I don’t like this person the way that I thought, or I don’t really feel safe, or I don’t actually want this tonight or right now, or I don’t have it in me to give today.

I spent a whole year “at war” with my vagina. She would spit and yell, and barricade the doors. It was a constant tug of war. I was at a complete loss. And it took me a really long time to realize that what I needed to do was listen. Take the cue and tune in. Sit down next to her, hold her and say what’s up, what’s going on?

Our vaginas hold on to our pain both energetically and physically. Our muscles literally knot themselves – the same as getting a knot in your shoulder from stress. These knots and blocks can create pain, or irritation or numbness during intercourse that can block our pleasure and make sex downright unpleasant. Every vagina on this planet is holding on to some kind of pain whether it’s a bad gyno visit, enduring unwanted stares or being shamed for enjoying our bodies. These traumas build up into a wall of pain that limits our pleasure.

When we struggle to “drop in” to sex, when we feel like our vaginas are “not cooperating”, when penetration hurts, when we feel nothing, this is the language of our vagina, the tools she has to ask for our attention and to guide us down the right path.

Our vaginas are our second hearts. They are the canary in the coal mine. They feel the truth before we think and see it. If we stop and listen, the answers present themselves. The pathway to our pleasure gets revealed.

Maybe we just need some more time to get in the moment. – a few deep breaths, some music, or eye gazing to get us out of our day and into the now. Maybe we need some more foreplay, or some lube, or some loving words. Maybe sex with this person is not what we want right now. Maybe we need to talk. Or maybe our vagina is telling us that she is holding a wall of sadness for every time we’ve pushed through, endured, or dragged her to the end and she needs compassion and love and time to release that wall before she can start to feel again and return us to our pleasure.

The key is to stop and notice. To take that split second to move away from “Why won’t you cooperate Vagina!!” to “what can I do for you, my love?” The key is to wait for another second and listen for the answer that is whispered in your body. The key is to then do as she asks, to obey our bodily instincts.

You are not broken. Your body is wise.

Are you listening?

- The Happy V

Are you ready to start tuning into your body to get more from sex? Do you want to learn practical tools to heal the hurt and open your body back up to pleasure? Book a free Discovery Session. In 30 minutes we'll hone in on what's holding you back, and set you on the path to greater pleasure and unleashing your inner awesome. #Bringiton. Learn more about me or what working with me looks like here.

























Adventures in Marriage - Poking the Bear Part 2

So in early May I wrote to you about that time I called a marriage and family counselor looking for something to grasp on to as I prepared for my wedding day (Check it out here if you didn’t read it yet).  I wasn't looking for help with our relationship - I was looking for a way to step into my marriage with intention and care.I wasn’t sure what I was looking for exactly, but I knew I wanted some guidance and help to explore this whole marriage thing.

We ended up going to two sessions and then summer kicked in and everyone was away on holiday. We didn’t wade too deeply into the pool really, but we certainly poked the bear. It’s been a month since our last session, and we are getting married in six days. EEP!

So what did I learn from pre-marital counseling?  

To start - it’s hard to feel satisfied when you didn’t quite know what you were looking for in the first place.

I live in a pretty secular world and I think I was really craving some kind of spiritual or intentional practice as a way to prepare for the wedding (which is, of course, in and of itself, that ceremony). I wanted a way to reflect on the pieces of me that I am shedding as I leave one phase of my life behind and enter another. I wanted a way to carefully consider those pieces of me that I will carry forward, as gifts to my marriage. I wanted a way to ground into and solidify those pieces of myself that are foundational to me, to my identity, to my strength and resilience. I didn’t get that. But I got clarity that this is what I was looking for and I've been reflecting a lot on these things. 

We did poke the bear and we did wake it up: and it made things somewhat uncomfortable for a short while. It got me thinking, and it got us talking. We got real with ourselves and each other about values, priorities, and expectations. And that’s the whole point.

Esther Perel shared a video that really hit home for me the other day. In it she says…

Typically, people come to a therapy session and then say here, I am an expert on my partner, I’ve studied this person, let me tell you about him or her, fix them and I’ll just sit here and watch. What really changes a relationship, is when you come in and you are actually capable of saying, I came to see what it is I do, I came to examine my own contribution to this story, I came to take responsibility.
— Esther Perel

My biggest take away is that my shit is still there. The things I have been working on in myself FOREVER are still haranguing me. "GOD DAMNIT"! I want to yell. "Have I not got this shit figured out yet?" I felt anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness as I realized I STILL need to learn to let go, chill out, quit thinking I can control everything and go with the flow. I can worry myself to death with future problems and right now my life is smack dab in the middle of future planning – with another human – in a way I have never done before. CAUSE I AM GETTING MARRIED. Sure I’ve been in long-term relationships, but I have never shared a bank account, I have never been financially dependent on another human in the way that being a mom can make you, I’ve never had to give this much consideration to the different values, perspectives, and expectations of a partner.

I’m not sure our shit ever really goes away. I think we get better at dealing with it, and I think we call certain partners in to help us really dig into it. If that is the case, then I’ve definitely got what I need in my man.

Life can have a lot of stresses in it. Especially when you are merging families, planning kids, a new home, and careers that support your passions. As someone who likes to process and analyze and daydream and scheme I can easily get lost in the soup of it.  I learned that conversations about these things are good and that taking it all too seriously can kill the joy. I learned that just admitting that there's lots going on and it’s kinda stressful – just allowing myself to see the stress for what it is - is freeing. I learned my man manages stress differently than me. I learned that tickle fights, teasing each other playfully, and quality couch time NOT talking about all the heavy things is crucial fuel for my relationship. I learned that problems will solve themselves in time with intention and a little faith. 

I was talking to my friend Ruth the other day and she summed it up so nicely.  “Marriage is a long thing,” she gently nudged. “Don’t try to do it all at once! You never get ahead of yourself. I’ve been married for 21 years and every year can be like a different relationship. Embrace the flow of change even while making something solid.”

When we poke the bear, we may indeed stir it from its slumber. It may rise up slow and groggy, or startle awake angry and irritated. It is in this moment, when together we stare it down, comfort it with love, or run screaming at the top of our lungs, that we grow, separate and together, and build the bonds that make our marriage last.

I am getting married in six days, to a wonderful human, who loves me even when I’m kind of a jerk, calls me on my shit, tickles the angry out of me, listens to my heart when I ask him to, teaches me things, and is willing to hold my hand, walk into the bear den with me and deal with the consequences no matter what. I could not be more grateful and excited.  

- The Happy V