Have you ever been there? In the sack with a person you think you like, in a situation that you think you should be safe, about to engage in what you think you want.
Maybe it’s been a while and you’re telling yourself you just need to get laid, maybe your friends have chided you into taking him home because he is “too hot to pass up”, maybe you are at home with the person you love, not in the mood, but feeling guilty cause you haven’t given to them in a while.
Either way, the scenario is often the same. Despite your best efforts to put your game face on, relax and enjoy the ride you just can’t get there. You are SUPPOSED to be enjoying this. It’s SUPPOSED to be fun, easy, wordless. But your brain won’t shut up, and you can’t really feel their hands on your body, there’s no tingling, no sparks, no energy moving. Maybe it hurts when the penetration starts, maybe your vagina shuts down and creates an impenetrable wall, maybe you can’t really feel anything once you’ve been entered, no matter how much care has been taken. Maybe you O, maybe you don’t.
And then it comes – the frustration, sadness, resentment, and loneliness; the guilt and shame. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. Is my vagina broken? Is my heart too broken? Is there something wrong with my brain? What, what WHAT! Do I need a manual for my own god damned body?
I’ve been there too many times to count. Not listening to the cues my body is giving me, the language she is speaking to tell me that, ACTUALLY I don’t like this person the way that I thought, or I don’t really feel safe, or I don’t actually want this tonight or right now, or I don’t have it in me to give today.
I spent a whole year “at war” with my vagina. She would spit and yell, and barricade the doors. It was a constant tug of war. I was at a complete loss. And it took me a really long time to realize that what I needed to do was listen. Take the cue and tune in. Sit down next to her, hold her and say what’s up, what’s going on?
Our vaginas hold on to our pain both energetically and physically. Our muscles literally knot themselves – the same as getting a knot in your shoulder from stress. These knots and blocks can create pain, or irritation or numbness during intercourse that can block our pleasure and make sex downright unpleasant. Every vagina on this planet is holding on to some kind of pain whether it’s a bad gyno visit, enduring unwanted stares or being shamed for enjoying our bodies. These traumas build up into a wall of pain that limits our pleasure.
When we struggle to “drop in” to sex, when we feel like our vaginas are “not cooperating”, when penetration hurts, when we feel nothing, this is the language of our vagina, the tools she has to ask for our attention and to guide us down the right path.
Our vaginas are our second hearts. They are the canary in the coal mine. They feel the truth before we think and see it. If we stop and listen, the answers present themselves. The pathway to our pleasure gets revealed.
Maybe we just need some more time to get in the moment. – a few deep breaths, some music, or eye gazing to get us out of our day and into the now. Maybe we need some more foreplay, or some lube, or some loving words. Maybe sex with this person is not what we want right now. Maybe we need to talk. Or maybe our vagina is telling us that she is holding a wall of sadness for every time we’ve pushed through, endured, or dragged her to the end and she needs compassion and love and time to release that wall before she can start to feel again and return us to our pleasure.
The key is to stop and notice. To take that split second to move away from “Why won’t you cooperate Vagina!!” to “what can I do for you, my love?” The key is to wait for another second and listen for the answer that is whispered in your body. The key is to then do as she asks, to obey our bodily instincts.
You are not broken. Your body is wise.
Are you listening?
- The Happy V
Are you ready to start tuning into your body to get more from sex? Do you want to learn practical tools to heal the hurt and open your body back up to pleasure? Book a free Discovery Session. In 30 minutes we'll hone in on what's holding you back, and set you on the path to greater pleasure and unleashing your inner awesome. #Bringiton. Learn more about me or what working with me looks like here.