This blog is part dare, part experiment, and part holy f*ck here we go.
I have been giving sex advice and entertaining friends and coworkers with tales of my intimate life since before I was even I having sex. It seems only natural I would start to blog about it. However, my ambitions are bigger than that. After years of reading and delving into the dark scary abyss that is my desire, I’ve stumbled on some amazing truths. I’ve also learned that women are hungry to talk about these things and I want to spark the conversations that I know will change lives – mine included.
This blog is not about sex and relationships; it is about how the demons that limit our pleasure in the bedroom are the demons that limit our pleasure in life. It is about every woman’s connection to the divine feminine (more on that later), how the world must learn to lead from this place, and how sex is one of the keys to unlocking these worlds. It is one part sex advice, one part feminine woowoo and one part awakening your world dominating awesomness. I share my story to help you explore yours.
So how did this all come about?
I remember clearly the day my girlfriend shyly asked me if she could get pregnant through her panties. She was sitting in my car in the parking lot at school and I confidently shared my opinion having just the other day read the exact same Q&A in the latest 17 mag. Thus began my unofficial career as a sex and relationship coach.
The seed was planted for this blog when, in 2011, I packed my bags and flew to New York for Moxie Camp – a women’s entrepreneur boot camp held by the fantastic Alexia Vernon. In one of our group exercises we were asked to write down our “why me” moments. Those moments in life that come back to us over and over again and cause us to roll our eyes up to the universe and says “this, again. F*cking seriously??!”. I struggled to think of anything at first. Then it came to me. Sex! My VAGINA! Ever since my mother forced me into the bathroom to try out a tampon in preparation for hiking the Chilkoot Trail (the bears will get you otherwise I’m told) my vagina and I have had an up and down relationship.
We’ve written quite the story together my vagina and I, and in the last few years I’ve realized it’s time to change that story. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with my vagina – a year’s worth of UTIs, yeast infections, and other “sad vagina” inducing ailments had me convinced there was something wrong with me. Years of sexual experiences that were delicious but always left me wanting more had me convinced my bits were broken, or my brain didn’t work right. I used to say I was Sisyphus pushing that damn rock up the hill. I could always get it right to the top, but pushing it over the edge was an impossible feat. I used to think I couldn’t orgasm. Now I know I’m learning how to orgasm.
So I started reading, and playing, and trying new things. I started pulling open the stories I’ve told myself about sexuality and my sex life. I started to uncover limiting beliefs and deeply ingrained habits that I didn’t even know were there: I realized I was approaching sex as a performance; I was watching the experience instead of feeling the experience; I didn’t allow myself to play or fail; I stopped myself from asking for what I wanted and needed in the bedroom; I put my partner’s needs above my own most of the time.
Through all of this learning I noticed a commonality between the ceiling I was hitting in the bedroom, and the ceiling I felt I was hitting in my life and in my work. In all three “buckets” – the life bucket, the sex bucket and the work bucket, there was this feeling of wanting more; this sense that I wasn’t quite reaching what I was meant for - that success, purpose and passion were just on the other side of some obstacle I couldn’t see. I started to ask myself if what was holding me back in one bucket might be holding me back in all buckets.
I’ve learned so much in the last year about tantra, about self-love, about desire, about shadow selves, about the feminine and the masculine, about empowerment and leadership, about pleasure and ecstasy, about play and exploration and fun. Through all of this, the biggest thing I have learned is that women are hungry to talk about these things. They are eager for a safe space to unload their worries and fears, to learn from each other, to explore the unknown. That and, who knew I was such a feminist. I’m still processing that one.
Back to the scary abyss I was talking about earlier. I feel sometimes like I’m hiding it, this black hole of fantasy and desire, love and power, needs and wants. For years I’ve walked to the edge of that abyss and I’ve peered into it. But I walk away and keep telling myself I’ll deal with it tomorrow…I’ve said that for years now. Over and over, the same issues and challenges keep spinning around me. I’ve learned that hiding from the darkness doesn’t make it go away. This blog is the first step for me. The first step is to just sit with abyss for a little while and start to be ok with it just being there. We are all standing on the edge of our own abyss. This blog is me reaching my hand out to you – to let you know I and many others are standing next to their own hole in the ground. We are going to arm ourselves with flashlights, and take a look down there (figuratively…for now – no workshops with pocket mirrors I promise). I know that what we uncover will be scary, magical, and totally transformative. Our desires are down there. The path to pleasure is seeing them. The path to transformation is owning them.
So what am I doing about all this?
This experiment has multiple layers and pieces and I’m only just starting to put them all together. I want to know more about the questions you have and the things on your mind. At the heart of all of this is just getting talking about these things. So with that in mind I want to start sharing what I’m reading here. Some of it will be hilarious, some of it will be a little out there, and some of it might push your buttons a little. Also on the menu is a workshop in October in Vancouver, more details soon, and likely a matching one in Whitehorse. I also have an art project in mind that I’ll be talking more about.
Lastly, I’ve taken the plunge and started a business as an independent Passion Parties Consultant. What better way to start talking about these things than to sell products that can help you feel like a goddess and explore your body (alone or with a partner). For me these parties are not about the products. To get a little cheesy for a moment, they are a space to add some spice to our sex conversations, to open up to new aspects of ourselves, and to learn from each other. It’s the best kind of sex ed, live from your living room. So if you have a birthday or bachelorette party coming up or if you are like me and you love talking sex over a glass of wine on Thursday night let me know and we can spice up the evening with toys and tips.
If you’re ready to explore sex, feminine woowoo, and awesomeness your world dominating awesomeness then subscribe to the mailing list below to get the latest workshop updates, join me on Facebook (I want people to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and responses to these ideas so I’m starting it as a private group) and Twitter @HappyVProject for regular musings, or call me to book a Passion Party.