Sex is a touchy topic. It’s on our minds - a lot, but many of us squirm when talking about it. We all have our secrets, failures, personal myths, and fears about sex. Our stories are unique and unified and totally worth sharing. The Happy V thinks its time to shine the spotlight on these issues so we’re interviewing women across North America. Join me this week as we dive in with business and life coach Lauren Dobey.
Lauren and I met in an online biz group. She’s a firecrackin gal with lots to say about dating after the end of a 13 year relationship. We talked sex, online dating, intuition and the sisterhood. Here’s some of what she had to say.
So Lauren, tell us about you.. what are you passionate about today?
I am here to help set women free, and help them fall in love with their life again. My clients are usually hating on life, on work or their relationship. I want women to realize they have options (might be leaving, might be reinventing) and I want to share that message to creators, corporate professionals or entrepreneurs. Sometimes my clients just need permission to live the life they want to live. I like to give them that permission.
Tweet it - Adventure and play and a child like attitude need to be part of our lives. These are things we need to connect and let go of.
At 28, you walked away from your marriage and headed off into the great big sea. What was it like to learn to date again at 29?
Being single sucked so much. I had never lived alone as my husband was my first and only major relationship. I didn’t date for a year. That was a really weird time. Coming home to an empty house was hard. I had to learn to enjoy the quiet. What surprised me the most was the number of things I didn’t know how to do, like fixing my computer, because I had always had my husband deal with it. It was a weird time.
I did online dating and tried to figure it out. It was a big experiment. I was going out 5 nights a week – I had a lot to catch up on. I kissed a lot of frogs. It’s hard to find people you connect with on all levels (i.e good in bed and also awesome).
Online dating can be a tough gig, what are the top five pieces of advice you would give to a woman whose out there?
- Don't become pen pals. Meet them sooner than later. Chemistry can’t be determined from a photo or email chat.
- If they appear to be a starving artist, they likely are a starving artist.
- If they say they are in their 30s, they are likely in their 40s
- Don't get shitfaced, unless you are prepared to regret waking up in the morning
- Learn how to gracefully say no – don’t feel like you have to keep dating them and don’t disappear like a ghost. Learn how to be an adult and tell someone you are not interested in them.
What was it like to have sex with a new partner after 13 years?
I was laughing at myself and crying at the same time, it was the beginning of a new chapter for me. It felt very vulnerable… it was like let’s jump back on this train.
I am very connected to my sexuality these days. My body and I are good friends. I feel very free, very playful, very exploratory. I believe we need to reconnect with this playful energy in sex and in life When I’m having sex it’s like mediation or yoga; I’m so in my body. Sometimes my brain will get in the way and I’ll start worrying that my ass is jiggling. But guys love that – they love things moving and trust me they are not noticing it the way you are.
You talk about playfulness and exploration, about being in your body, how does this relate to you to using your intuition, in work, play and life?
I’m super tapped into my intuition and in some ways I’m not. I know how to avoid jobs that that will suck my soul. I can follow my heart but I am not always connected to what is going on in my heart space. I am super connected to what is going on in my noggin.
I have been so BFF with my brain for such a long time that my heart has been neglected cause I have been on autopilot. I think about what I feel instead of feeling what I’m feeling.
Sometimes with my new partner I do not have the ways to express what is bothering me. When it comes from the heart I can’t always recognize what is wrong and how to communicate it. It has not been my natural tendency.
Over the last five years, since being single, I have dived deep into my self –exploration and spirituality. If you had told me five years ago that I would have been going to new moon circles and meditating I would have said you were crazy. I have learned a lot of new tools from this. Now I journal, I use EFT (tapping) self-hypnosis and other tools. I’m playing with them all right now. They give you different ways to peel the onion and find out what’s bothering you. They give you a new language for speaking from your heart.
Intuition is a big part of the feminine. How do you connect to your inner masculine and feminine?
I am really good at being the boss and feel very empowered in my masculine, especially at work. I cried at work once and felt like such a loser. That was the one time I brought some feminine to work – I find it serves me better at work to be more masculine. I am a go getter, serious, one track mind. I am able to compartmentalize, I’m really good at negotiating and asking for money – a lot of women don’t even try or aren’t good at it. Being in my masculine served me really well.
These days I feel I need my feminine to come forward and to respect her more cause my masculine is running the show. It’s hard though to turn off the masculine, and turn on the feminine when I get home. In my current relationship my partner is allowing me space to explore these pieces of me. I am learning to allow him to take care of me so I can look up to him. I want to trust him to take care of me. In the bedroom I love switching to the feminine. I am enjoying being passive and surrendering in the sack these days. I used to be more dominant.
How have you survived the world of online dating? How do the feminine and masculine play a role in work life and sex life? Share your comments and questions.
If you are interested in learning more about Lauren you can check her out at laurendobey.com. If you’d like to share your story, anonymously or not, we’d love to hear from you at firstname.lastname@example.org.