Are You In The Land of “Married With Kids” Sex?
I remember when I started dating my husband, it was the first time ever that I seemed to have a higher libido than my partner. Sex was yummy and great but I was sort of used to the twice a day routine with new lovers and we were maybe making it happen a couple of times a week. I met my husband when his son was four. He was often tired at the end of the day, and spent a lot of time snuggling little guy to sleep. I remember having this light bulb moment where I realized "I"m having” married with kids” sex. It's different than kidless, walk around the house naked, do it anytime you want sex."
What is your idea of "married with kids" sex?
Society likes to portray an image of....
- boring, missionary position, only sex
- infrequent sex
- the lesbian death-bed - where neither partner has a libido and sex completely disappears
- routine sex - you know - you do this, then I do this, then we come, then we sleep sex
- we're both tired and stressed and half into this sex
The stats definitely tell this story on all counts.
But as a sex coach, I'm not convinced it has to be like this. Don't get me wrong - when life is crazy and you can barely breathe it's ok to relax a bit and not make your sex life one more thing to beat yourself up about.
AND you DO NOT NEED to resign yourself to less than great, infrequent, disconnected sex. Married with kids sex can be scheduled and HOT, it can be sweet and adventurous, it can be new and exciting. If you start to allow yourself to think of it that way.
So if you don’t like your current version of “married with kids” sex what can you do?
I always start with this one - get real with yourself. What is working for you in your current sex life and what is not? What would you like more of? Or what would you like to try? Not sure, that’s ok too. Ask your vagina - maybe she has some ideas.
Get real with your partner. Chances are if you aren’t feeling like sexy time is rocking your partner isn’t either. Be brave and take the lead. Do your best not to frame it as a blaming - it’s all your fault conversation - but rather as a - hey - things have changed a lot since we first got together conversation. Acknowledge that bodies have changed, maybe tastes and preferences have changed, and it’s time to do some sexploring.
Remember a hot sex life is whatever you and your partner decide it is. The frequency, positions, and experiments you try are all about each other and no one else. Let go of living up to anyone else’s expecations for what your sex life should be and create the sex life you both want - brick by brick .
4) Do some learning together. Sex is as kill people. I will say it a million times. You aren’t born a sex god/goddess. You learn how to be one. Buy some books and read them together. Invest in an online course - anything that will help you understand new dimensions of yourselves or learn a new sexual skill. It’s kind of like becoming an omelette king.
5) Be patient and kind with yourselves and each other. Depending on where you are in your parenting journey sex may just not be the be all end all and that is ok. Sometimes when there is too much pressure the passion fizzles. So relax, and ease up a bit, but don’t let it go completely. Invest in making each other feel loved and supported, find intimate moments when you can and trust that you will both invest in this lifelong connection when the busy early years have passed.
I’m now two kids in (one 15 months and one 8 years). We are often all in bed together and my “married with kids” sex looks very different than it did four years ago. I rest easy in knowing it’s an ever evolving journey and appreciate the intentional moments of play that we have together. Cause sometimes, binge watching Netflix with a hand on my lap is orgasmic indeed.
Ps - I’m kicking off Light Your Fire - the Five Day Libido Revival Challenge on Nov 1. If it’s time to exit your current version of “married with kids sex”, challenge some of your assumptions, get reconnected with yourself, and open up the conversation with your partner…. then it’s time to join us. Get all the deets here.