5 Surprising Libido Killers and What to Do About Them

I’m sure you’ve encountered some in your days -  libido killers are everywhere. Some of them are super obvious, like stress and fatigue, and some of them are sneaky little buggers. 

Today I want to talk about 5 factors that can send your libido running - and what to do about it. 

  1. Spectatoring

    Spectatoring is the act of watching/judging yourself while you are having sex. Essentially instead of being inside your body enjoying pleasure, you are stuck in your head judging your belly roles, how hot you look and the noises you are making. Sexual self-consciousness can be so strong it stops you from even wanting sex, or it can just zap the mood in the moment. When baby comes so much about our body changes that spectoratoring can rise up and get in our way.

    Quick Fix Tip - If this is your challenge - I recommend feeding yourself a full body love diet once a week. Have a shower or bath, and as you soap up or but lotion on your body afterwards send loving thoughts and thanks to every part of your body - especially those parts you are struggling with.

    Bonus quick tip. Watch my Spectatoring Video here.

  2. Changed arousal/ physical response

    After baby and during peri/menopause the body is changing drastically. Sometimes on an actual physical level - skin and bones move and work differently than they did, or our sensitivity to touch changes (for eg. you may have been a nipple lady before menopause and now nipples are a serious no go zone). And also hormones play a big role as well.

    Quick Fix Tip: Get curious about your new body and how it works. Learn the ropes, teach em to your partner.

  3. Not understanding how your libido works

    Does anyone remember teachers covering the dual control model, or responsive desire in sex ed class? I didn’t think so. There’s a lot to how our libido works on an emotional, hormonal and physiological level. We are fed some very cookie cutter notions by the media but the truth is it’s much more nuanced than that. Once of the biggest killers of libido is your own judgement about how your body works. When we feel our bodies our “broken” or “not working properly” we kill the vibe. 


Quick Fix Tip - Learn about libido. Find out how yours works and start to embrace it. Check out the videos on my Youtube Channel to learn more.

  1. Relationship dynamics
    Yup - I hate to say it but if you are not in a great zone with your partner than the desire to strip down and get sexy is not usually there. I mean angry fight sex is a thing but not for everyone all the time.

    Quick Fix Tip - If your sassy sexpot has gone missing, ask yourself how connected and bonded you are feeling to your partner. Explore how often you are having dates and sharing emotions with each other. Invest in your relationship will almost surely begin to support your libido.

  2. Sexpectations

Ah, great sexpectations. All the notions we have in our head about how much sex we “should” be having and what our sex life “should” look like. Again if you are comparing yourself to all the shoulds and stuck in comparison and judgment you are not doing your libido any favours.

Quick Fix Tip: Redefine your sex life on your own terms. You are your partner decide what you both like, want and need. 


Libidos wax and wane, they have cycles and seasons just like everything in life - but if she’s gone underground in a serious way, if missing her is impacting your sense of self, your zest for life and your relationship - then there are things you can do about it.

Join me for the Light Your Fire 5 Day Libido Revival Challenge. We get started November 1.

Together we’ll spend five days exploring what makes your libido tick, opening up the conversation with your partner, and kicking some of your libido killers to the curb so you can have a light up life.

Sign up Now.

Sofia FortinComment