My friend and colleague Rosie Bitts is a burlesque teacher, sex educator and coach. When I met her the first thing that struck me was her amazing vintage style and the fact that she pretty much exclusively wears vintage lingerie. Not just for bed, or just at home – but everywhere. Day in day out her skin gets to luxuriate in soft silks and lace. As she explained to me, her clothing choice makes her look pretty, and feel sensuous. It is an open invitation and reminder to herself to be in connection with her body and her senses.

My question here is, how do the clothes you wear help or hinder you in your quest to connect with that part of yourself?

When I was little we would get nightgown hand me downs from my grandma. I remember in particular this pink number - there was nothing especially sexy about the cut but it had a satin under layer and three or four layers of soft thule or something (I’m not a fabric person) over top. I LOOVED this thing. I wore it every chance I got. I basically hung out it in all weekend - twirling and swooshing it’s big skirt around the house. Marveling in its softness and imagining myself to be this glorious and confident princess. Who doesn’t want to feel like that all the time!

Flash forward to today’s wardrobe. My body is in transition - figuring out a new balance after having the baby. With inspiration from my friend Rosie I started to think about my wardrobe. Does it make me feel sensuous and luxurious? Does it connect me to my body and my senses in a good way? How many items of clothing that I own are designed to contain, squeeze, flatten or mould my flesh in some way. How does that make me feel about my body and myself?

So what’s my point here?

Deriving pleasure from sex is about being in a relaxed state with one’s body and one’s pleasure. It is about, amongst many other things, being connected to a sensual, sexual, confident self. My question here is, how do the clothes you wear help or hinder you in your quest to connect with that part of yourself?

I know for a fact that when put on something soft before love making, or give myself some naked time around the house I feel way more sensuous and much more connected to my body. When I am wearing clothes that hug and touch me as a lover would, I feel invited to do the same.

But that’s just me. Some of you may feel your sexiest dressed to the nines in platform heels and a glitzy dress. Others might connect with that feeling in cozy socks and the best sweatpants ever. Whatever it is that floats your boat can you bring more of it into your daily life? Can you use clothes as a way to connect with that part of you not just when you are preparing to have sex, or go on a date, but when you are going to work or when hanging with friends. Can you clothes turn you on - to life?

Now we don’t all have cash to burn on a completely revamped wardrobe, and it’s not practical to go about our entire day naked - but I wondered if there’s ways to bring a little luxury and softness, a little confidence and sass to my life sans a day at the mall. So I came up with a little list.

Remember to wear those super cozy comfy socks you have in the back of your drawer when you are lazing at home. Your feet will thank you for the extra warmth on cold days and you can luxuriate in their softness.
Go thrift store shopping with your friends and find the most glorious and soft lingerie pieces that make you feel fabulous. Wear them at home whenever possible without guilt or shame.
Let your inner nudist out. Book regular naked or semi naked time (solo or with your partner).
As you buy new or new-to-you pieces of clothing (for me this is like less than once a year) ask yourself how the item feels on your skin and how it makes you feel inside. Does it make you feel connected and free, in celebration of your body? Does it stimulate your skin in delightful ways and bring you back to moments of subtle pleasure that can fill your day? If yes - say yes to the dress.

Whatever your relationship with your body. No matter how safe or unsafe you feel in this home of yours - even the smallest invitation to comfort, softness and sensuality can spark pleasure hormones that heal your body, can open the door to more feelings of safety and comfort, can invite your mind to relax into pleasure or bring a little fun and whimsy into your life.

Let me know in the comments. What clothes make you feel your most sensuous, confident self? Do you have different confident or sexy personalities (like leather jacket sexy vs romantic gown sexy)?

Happy nearly naked and sensuous wardrobe exploring

The Happy V

Why we should all have a vintage lingerie collection