A Coach in your Corner - for Your Sex Life?

A Coach in Your Corner - For Your Sex Life?

When we think of the word coach we often imagine sports. Coaches are people who teach us the skills needed to win the game. They don't just teach us technique, they help us to learn to handle pressure and failure, to set goals and crush them, to develop a winning mindset and to grow and develop in our sport. A great coach helps us to connect with our inner strength and cheerleads from the sidelines as we empower ourselves to put it all together to reach our goals. 

A sex coach is a sexuality expert, champion and cheerleader who can help you master new skills and tools and shift your perspective for better sex, stronger relationships and ultimately, a more vibrant and fulfilling life. 

"My sex life is pretty decent," you might be thinking - "why would need a sex life champion and isn't that kinda weird"? 

I hear ya - and when I first started exploring this world I might have thought the same. So - two big thoughts I want to offer you. 

1) Sex is a skill

If you are, like me, still working on your culinary skills, why in the world would you expect yourself to be a sexpert. 

Sex is a skill - like cooking. No one is born a red seal chef. We have to develop an interest and appetite for food, try new recipes, flail horribly and get better, learn to use different kinds of equipment and eventually develop a comfort level with our skills to bring flair, and fun, and play to our practice.

Our sex lives are exactly the same. And yet because of all the shame and taboo in our cultures about sex we let people fend for themselves and learn how to be rockstar lovers from porn, pop culture films and flailing around in the dark with each other. 

Bottom line - many of us are out there struggling with mediocre sex lives (with a deep sense that there could be more) and flailing in our relationships without the skills to make them strong. Because nobody ever taught us. 

Do you know all the erogenous zones on bodies with penises and vulvas? Do you know all the fantastic ways you can touch a vagina? Do you know that sex can feel good? Do you know how to ask for what you want in bed without guilt or shame? Do you really know how to enjoy sex? Do you know how to play with toys? A sex coach can teach you the sex ed you should have learned in high-school. It's like personalized grown-up sex-class. WAY FUN. 

2) Sexuality is about so much more than penises and vaginas 

Yup - there's more to the birds and the bees than putting the P in the V.

Our sexuality is a core part of who we are. It's about identity, it's about claiming pleasure and desire, it's about setting boundaries, it's about vulnerability, and its about touch. Basically, our sexuality touches every aspect of who we are, how we show up in the world, how accepted we are by the world, how safe we feel in the world, and ultimately, how comfortable we feel authentically showing up as ourselves in the world.  When we show up authentically as ourselves in the world we live fully and vibrantly. 

Embracing and exploring our sexuality is a way to embrace and explore ourselves. Those demons that hold us back in the bedroom hold us back in life and when we face them head on and banish them from our sex lives not only do we have way better sex, we connect more with our partners and our whole life can begin to transform. 

All humans are taught sexual scripts (do this, don't do that rules) that harm. You know those rules like  - guys are supposed to know everything about sex (see #1) and women are supposed to be innocent virgins, guys are supposed to push the limits in sex and women are supposed to set them, sex can only be defined as a penis going into a vagina, sex is only complete when orgasms happen, sex is dangerous (you could get pregnant god forbid!). 

Sex coaches help us pull at the underbelly of what we think we know about sexuality. They help us explore and claim our sexual identity, they help us reconnect with joy and play and curiosity, they help us let go of harmful expectations, reframe and redefine key concepts and create new scripts that strengthen our pleasure and our relationships and help us to show up more authentically in the world. 

Sounds pretty awesome right....

So if you...

  • struggle with orgasm, or premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
  • don't know where your libido wandered off to
  • are tired of pain during intercourse
  • are bored with the same old routine
  • are terrified to ask your partner to try that thing you've always wanted to try
  • are looking to feel more connected to your partner and have a more meaningful relationship
  • want to learn some new things about XZY
  • are exploring your sexual identity and don't know who to talk to 
  • just want a safe space to talk about sex, and relationships, and gender and politics. 

Then a sex coach could be a great option for you. 

A few things to keep in mind...

1) Sex coaches are distinctly different than sex therapists. Therapists, sex/relationship therapists or psychologists are an amazing resource if you are working through serious sexual trauma, sexual dysfunction or deep-rooted marital or relationship challenges. They have a different set of tools in their toolkit than coaches - often more theoretical and focused on exploring the psychological aspects. Depending on their approach and methodologies they may not be equipped with specific sex-ed tool to support you - which is why sex therapists and coaches will often work together. 

2) Get as clear as you can about what you are looking for. Sex coaches specialize in many different things. Some focus on teaching about kink, BDSM, polyamory, or other specific sexual techniques and tools, others focus on supporting parents to talk to their kids, some specialize in working with men, others with women or couples. Get clear on what you want to learn, or what your challenge is and look for sex coaches that specialize, or ask for a referral. 

3) Ask about credentials. When working with a therapist - make sure to ask about their sexuality education.  Many folks who work as sex therapists are therapists who have taken some training in sexuality - this could mean 1 course during their undergrad, or a specialized degree. When working with a coach - they may be super educated and highly trained in a specific area, or they may have a lot of personal experience with a specific topic (like Kink or BDSM). Ask them how long they have been coaching, who they typically work with, what they specialize in, and what kinds of results their clients are getting, and what training or certifications they have. 

4) Know what you are getting into - as best you can. As with all coaching, it is hard to predict the outcomes at the start - however - it's good to know a few things about your coach's approach. Some coaches will teach you theory and tools, let you practice at home, and support you through the emotional work of shedding the layers, others might work with you directly in an intimate setting or do live demonstrations, and still, others might do hands-on healing work. These all have their time and place depending on what you are looking for. Ask your coach about how they work with people, what a typical session looks like,  and if they do hands-on or theory-based work. 

5) Go with your gut! Talk to your prospective coach. If it feels good, if there's a connection there, if you feel you will be supported and held then go for it. If your spidey senses tingle then listen to them. If you are excited and nervous and fearful but that little voice inside your head whispers "this is right" - then go for it. 

As a sex coach and sex coachee myself, I can personally attest to the powerful impacts of this work. I have seen clients transformed by the understanding that they are not broken. I have seen couples find a renewed connection in small every-day gestures.  I have seen clients with long-lost libidos awaken the fire and desire within.  I have seen clients learn to ask for what they want and need with confidence. And I have witnessed within myself a softening and release that has helped me to experience deeper pleasure both in the bedroom and in life.  

Whether I've piqued your interest or not I think every human should know that there is a whole world of dedicated, passionate, caring people out there ready to help you conquer your orgasms, your relationships, and your life. Give them a call. 

If you are feeling called to receive a little coaching for your sex life, I invite you to fill out the intake form and book a free discovery session with me. We'll talk about what's niggling at you, I'll share my approach and give you a few strategies and insights to implement. This is a limited time offer for 2018. I have three more months to work with clients before I take my maternity leave. That's just enough time for us to dive in deep and help you unlock some sex magic in your life. 

With lots of love. 

-- The Happy V



A V-Day Love Letter to My Vagina

Sofia - VDay Blog - for WEb .jpg

Any time of year is a great time of year to write a love letter. So why not write a love letter to your lovely Vagina on Vday. 


I know, I know What? A Love letter to my vagina?! Hear me out. 

Love letters, for me, are an opportunity to share gratitude and appreciation. To pause and think about the contributions a certain someone or something has made in your life and to thank them for it. They are also a chance to let your sultry seductive self out on paper. When was the last time you thought about what your vagina has done for you in your life, or what you have done for her?  When was the last time you seduced your pussy? What would happen it you tried? 

I'm willing to bet your vagina is a source of both a lot of pain and a lot of pleasure in your life. She's your ever-present companion; making herself known at least once a month as she goes through her cyclical purge, making herself known when she is desirous of touch and love, and making herself known when she is not happy with what we are putting her through.

She's your second heart. 

The canary in the coal mine.

When we build a good relationship with her, when we build trust and faith in her she rewards us in so many ways. So, in honour of valentines day I am writing a love letter to my VJJ. Check it out below. 


Want more V-Day inspiration?  Check out the  O.School VDay Blog hop. My fellow pleasure professionals are sharing their thoughts on love and sex. And be sure to check out O.School for all the sex-positive, queer-friendly, shame-free sex ed you can manage. 

Back to my love letter. Here goes....

Dear She-lah,

 (yes I did a vagina naming meditating thingy once and this is what she told me her name was) 

I know we haven't always been on the best of terms and I know we don't talk as often as we should. Despite some rocky times together I thought Valentine's day might be a great time to share a few things that have been on my mind lately. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I cursed you so much in grade 8 when we got our period. I'm sorry we had such a terrible time hiking the Chilkoot Trail when aunt flo was visiting. I kept shoving tampons into you despite your discomfort because I was afraid the bears would smell us. I know it made for a terrible time even though it's what we had to do. 

I'm sorry I didn't pay much attention to you in high school. Truth be told. I was always a little bit intimidated by you. I didn't know where to start- how you liked to be touched, how you would react, how I would react? I was afraid you so I shut you down. 

I'm sorry I dragged us through a lot of shitty sex in our 20s despite your sometimes very loud protests. I got very good at ignoring you and looking back I can see how it hurt us both. That moratorium we went through when you weren't happy - all the doctors that couldn't help us solve the pain you were feeling - that was because I didn't listen. I'm glad we found a way past that together. 

Thank you. 

Thank you for helping me to wake up and pay attention to my body's needs. 

Thank you for encouraging me to slow down and play in life. Thank you for teaching me that pleasure is valuable, that pleasure is important, and that pleasure is worthwhile.

Thank you for inviting me to explore you. The more time we spend together the more I truly appreciate the beauty of all your curves and folds. You are fucking sexy. No I mean it. You are! 

Thank you for helping me to listen to you better. To trust that you know what we need and that when I take the time to hear you, you can guide us to deeper connection and more pleasure and yummy gummy orgasms. 

Thank you for teaching me to release, to let go, to forgive, to move on. To feel my emotions. to get angry. To ask for what I want. 

Thank you for being nothing but yourself and for being patient with me as I learn to do the same.

Thank you for being willing to accept the challenge of growing a tiny human. I know it's a lot of work. I know you are being stretched - literally and emotionally - in so many ways. We are in this together. 

I love it when you ask me for you what you need. I love it when you respond with glee when we play together. I love it when you invite me to try new things, to go beyond my limits. I love how you feel beneath my fingers - so smooth and soft. I love how we are learning together. 

I love to hate you. 

But mostly. 

I love you. 

XOXOX - Sofia

Wanna write your own love letter to your V? Get cozy with a blank piece of paper and allow yourself to free write. 

If your vagina was your best friend (whether your relationship is rocky or rosy) what would you want to say to her?

If you are feeling super sultry you can back up your words with some action and schedule a valentine's day self-love fest. Need a juicy self-pleasure routine you can use to love up your vagina this valentine's day? Send me an email at Sofia@thehappyvaginaproject.com. I have a free gift for you. 

And, if you love talking Vaginas and learning about sexuality check out my regular stream at O.School on Thursdays from 4-5PM PST. I live stream awesomeness every week. Let me know what you wanna talk about.