Ditching the Male Gaze
So we’ve been talking a lot about feeling sexy lately. A few weeks ago I did a post about the difference between performing sexy and feeling sexy. A big reason why we tend to perform sexy rather than feel it is the Male Gaze.
The Male Gaze, a term coined by Laura Mulvey, feminist film theorist, describes the cinematic angle of a heterosexual male on a female character. This looks like the film angles, costumers, and perspectives of female characters in films- and how they are all viewed through the lens or the eyes of heterosexual white males. All humans grow up in this culture, and women become accustomed to viewing and evaluating themselves by this measure. It affects how we think about bodies, clothes, makeup and behaviour in relation to what is sexy and what is not and what is acceptable and what is not.
In our sexual lives what this means is we are often comparing ourselves to a male gaze standard we don’t quite fit, and or we find validation of our sexiness only from the male gaze and not from ourselves. This can affect our libido, our sexual confidence, and, ultimately, how much pleasure we get out of the bedroom.
So what can we do about it? Here’s my five tips for ditching the male gaze and claiming your sexiness back for yourself.
Become aware of it
The first step in any process of change is typically awareness. To shift how the male gaze shows up in your sexuality we need to first become aware of how it is showing up. You can do this in a couple of ways.
Make a list of all the things you define as “sexy” - then ask yourself which ones come from a place of the male gaze or cultural expectations about your body.
Notice when you are getting ready for the day, what thoughts and evaluations are you making about your make up and clothes. If it’s full of shame and comparison it’s the male gaze.
When you re having sex, what thoughts pop into your head to “evaluate” you and your body? Do you only feel sexy when you are validated by the male gaze? Can you feel sexiness from inside - just form you?
How are these notions holding you back? Where do they block you? Do you change what you’ll wear or how you’ll act to fit into the male gaze?
The key to bringing awareness is to avoid allowing shame to come to the party. She’s not welcome. It’s not your fault these things exist, and it’s not even entirely your job to change it (hint: cause we can’t do it alone). But we can start by controlling what we can control - which is what we see showing up in our thoughts, and what we want to replace them with instead.
Replace it with your own gaze
Start by looking at yourself in the mirror. Just your face, your whole body, or if you really want to get into the nitty gritty of it, your pussy/vulva/magic land down under - whatever you want to call it.
Really look at yourself. And instead of doing the usual comparison game. My eyes are too small, my lips are not symmetrical, this boob’s bigger than that one,…… come back to love. Every time a negative thought enters your mind - come back to love. See if you can really describe the shape or colour of your features, what parts of you are the most beautiful - to you - and why.
This is a form of mindfulness. Those judgemental thoughts are going to cram their way into your mind - it’s your job to observe them and say “no thank you”. Over and over and over and replace them with your own evaluations, your own thoughts. and your own love.
This Psychology Today article has some great tips and cites research that demonstrated that when women gazed at their own reflection for 10 min daily to just take themselves in they developed a more positive body image and were more comfortable leaving the house without makeup.
You are worthy as you are, not because the male gaze has evaluated you as worthy.
Come back to your senses
It’s hard to be in your head with a judgemental or comparative thought and also in your body fully enjoying what your senses have to offer. So if, for example, you find yourself dancing in the living room, with an imaginary male eye following you around - if you catch yourself performing for that imaginary eye, deriving a sense of power, or pleasure, or purpose, or validation from that imaginary eye - then try this instead..
(Side note - the above is all totally cool, and there is nothing wrong with a little imagined voyeurism)
If instead you want to feel sexy because you are sexy - not because someone has evaluated you as such - turn to your senses. As you dance really focus on how your fingers feel on your skin, or your clothes, or in your hear. Focus on your breath, really listen to the music and let your body move the way it wants to move instead of the way it thinks it’s supposed to to be sexy.
Watch your social media diet
The more you feed yourself with images that replicated and perpetuate the male gaze, the more your brain is filled with that comparative that you are trying to be like. Follow social media accounts that fill your feed with women and people who are taking back the gaze, or sharing their own.
If you need a place to start - grab my starter list of people to follow here.
Become your own voyeur
The male gaze can show up for us hardcore in the bedroom. This is also known as spectatoring - or the act of watching yourself having sex from outside of your body, rather than enjoying the sensations you are experiencing in your body. It’s like you have a little voyeur in the corner with a clipboard evaluating how you look, your tummy roles, where you are putting your hands, how you are touching your partner - etc. That clipboard makes us anxious and distracted - and it’s full of male gaze evaluation.
As I wrote in this blog a while back about overcoming my own spectator, one thing that really helped me was was to walk over to my spectator, tell her she’d been promoted, ask her to leave and take her place. Then I ditched the clipboard and became my own cheerleader on the sidelines. I yelled things like you’re so hot, I love your ass, and you got this from the sidelines and totally turned around my experience.
Ditching the male gaze is not an easy feat - but we can find beautiful blissful moments of it which make it all the more worthwhile. Think of it like when you hang out with an amazing group of ladies and the outside world and its judgements just don’t exist. You too can be that friend to your own sexiness, to your body, and to your authentic self.
So let’s do this thing.
Much love from here friends.
Sofia
If you are feeling ready to reclaim your sexy then grab my FREE five day libido revival challenge - Light Your Fire. Five days of emails to your inbox with concrete steps and practical tools in under 15 minutes a day to give your sex life a reboot after kids. See you there.