Uncross Your Signals - Have More Fun in Bed
Imagine this scenario with me.
It’s bedtime. You are feeling slightly sexy but not sure you want to go all the way tonight. You feel like you should put the effort in, cause it’s been a while, but it also feels like sooo much effort. And, like I said, you are feeling open to some sexy fun but not full on horny gotta have sex now. Basically you could take it or leave it.
Your partner gives you a kiss. They linger a little longer than usual and start to make out with you a bit. You respond cause it feels nice but you can feel yourself hesitating. You are not sure what they want or are expecting, not sure you want to go all the way. You are trying to tune into your body to see how she is feeling but your mind is racing. You are trying to get into it but there’s a lot of voices debating the merits of moving forward or bringing the whole thing to a screeching halt in your head.
Let’s pause for the choose your own adventure portion. You have a few choices now.
Keep going with the make out even though you are not totally into it and follow through with sex because that’s what you think your partner wants?
Pull back, and say you are feeling tired and just want to go to sleep - feeling awkward and not sure what to say maybe even feeling a little disconnected from your partner.
Playfully hit the pause button and say “ I’d love to make out with you right now but I”m not sure I want to go all the way tonight. Can we play it by ear? How were you hoping to connect right now?
I’m willing to bet most of you, like me, often do either A or B.
The results is either mediocre sex you don’t really want, a feeling of loneliness or isolation, and maybe sometimes an unexpectedly good time.
But what if it could be different? What if you could find a way to playfully negotiate in the moment so that you both get a little or a lot of what you want.
The problem with the scenario above is that nobody is talking. You get crossed signals because you are stuck in your head and your partner hasn’t reached out to ask what is going on or share what is going on in theirs. We do this because we don’t see talking during sex role modeled for us anywhere. But talking helps us to be clear about our intentions (we need to banish mind reading from our bedroom) and also give feedback about what is working.
It’s so easy to assume that a kiss means “let’s get down” instead of “let’s roll around like teenagers and make out”.
When we get super clear about what we’re up for or what we are seeking we can agree on what’s going to make us both feel good. If you talk about it ahead of time and agree you are just going to make out - then you can get out of your head and stop worrying if your partner is going to try for more and just relax and enjoy the make out - trusting it won’t go any further - unless, of course, you change your mind and SAY SO.
Our goal in creating pleasure is to get present. Anytime we have a worry or a need that’s bumping around in our head in keeps us from being present. It takes almost nothing to hit the pause button, share the worry, agree on what to do and keep going. And if the pause makes the worry go away and you can actually enjoy yourself than it is totally worth it.
I actually did this very experiment last night - and had amazing results. I just dared myself to speak up and negotiate. It wasn’t easy, there were some awkward moments, but ultimately I was way more able to relax into what was happening and enjoy myself.
This is consent in action people. Communicate early and often during your sexy times. It may seem from the outside like this will distract from your breathless sensuous time. But take it from me a breathless sensuous time is often more fiction than fact - and the more time you spend overtly negotiating, the more successful you will be in creating breathless, speechless, sensuous times.
Lots of love this week.
Want some help communicating with your partner? Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can book a couples power session to give you some tips and tools in your unique situation.